Why I Can Write Every Week But Can't Resist Carrot Cake

I’ve been reflecting on my goals lately. Some I’ve crushed. Others? Not so much.

Take my goal of losing a few pounds. I’ve had the same goal for about a year now, and while I did manage to lose a few pounds before my trip to Japan last spring, I’m now back to the same weight I was pre-diet. But, if I’m honest, my plan for this goal was less of a plan and more of a vague hope. I told myself I wanted to maintain a certain weight, but after reaching it, I didn’t follow through.

Also, there’s this carrot cake from Hot Oven Bakery in my neighbourhood in Toronto that keeps calling to me at night…

(If you’ve never had their carrot cake—moist, cream cheese frosting, worth every one of its expensive dollars—don’t start now. It’s irresistible. A month ago, I spent an entire evening craving it and didn’t have a single slice. Victory!)

Contrast that with my writing. As you know, last year I set a goal to write one Substack post every week. Week in and week out, I did it. Not because I had to force myself, but because I genuinely enjoy the process. I love brainstorming new topics, digging into ideas, and finding ways to connect with my readers. Writing isn’t a chore for me—it’s something I want to do.

The difference between wanting to do something and feeling like you have to is at the heart of what I want to talk about today. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of research it’s that the key to achieving your goals isn’t self-control. It’s loving what you do.

Let’s start with why my goal of losing weight has been such a struggle. If you believe the popular narrative, the answer is simple: I just need more self-control. Resist the carrot cake, bub! Power through the cravings. And yes, there are moments when that works (remember last month?). But here’s the problem: these small self-control victories don’t add up to success in the long term. Yes, I might win the very occasional battle with carrot cake, but I will not win my war against it.

Research from my own lab shows that self-control might get you through the occasional temptation, but it’s not a reliable strategy for long-term success. Why? Because temptation doesn’t go away. Every time I walk past Hot Oven Bakery, or spot carrot cake at a friend’s place, I’m forced to wrestle with my impulses all over again. And no matter how disciplined I am, self-control has its limits.

The Self-Control Industrial Complex

Some scholars suggest self-control strategies like situation selection—banishing temptations from your environment. Never walk past that bakery: problem solved, right? And sure, this can work in specific, controlled situations. But these tools have limits because we don’t live in hermetically sealed apartments. Carrot cake still shows up at dinner parties, donuts in the office kitchen, and poutine at the pub. The world is full of temptations you can’t entirely avoid, and relying on situation selection alone won’t keep them at bay.

Temptation finds you, no matter how clever you think you are. And research spearheaded by Carleton University professor Marina Milyavskaya confirms this: self-control strategies work some of the time, but they don’t add up to long term success. The real key to success isn’t battling temptation—it’s removing the battle altogether. She found that people who achieve their goals aren’t necessarily better at resisting distractions. Instead, they experience fewer temptations in the first place.

This brings us back to writing. The reason procrastination doesn’t tempt me the way that carrot cake does is because writing aligns with my values. It feels meaningful, energizing, even fun. While I don’t love denying myself that slice from Hot Oven Bakery (oh, what I would do for a slice right now!), I do love writing. Sometimes, I even dream about it—not in a surreal Lebowski dream sequence where I’m dancing in bowling shoes to Kenny Rogers, but in a simpler way: perfect turns of phrase, posts that stir the pot just enough, and ideas that just… abide. I wake up thinking, “I love this”.

The godfathers of this work are Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, professors at the University of Rochester, whose Self-Determination Theory elegantly explains why some goals succeed while others sputter. According to their research, motivation exists on a continuum, ranging from controlled motivation on one end to autonomous motivation on the other.

Controlled motivation is the “I have to” mindset: trying to lose weight to look better to others. Autonomous motivation, on the other hand, comes from within. You pursue the goal because it aligns with your values, like wanting to feel strong and healthy. Somewhere in between is introjected motivation, driven by guilt or obligation. You force yourself to eat healthy not because you enjoy it, but because you’ve decided you’re someone who sticks to commitments, even if you curse your past self the entire time.

Deci and Ryan’s point is clear: the more autonomous your motivation, the more likely you are to stick with a goal, and maybe even enjoy the process. The more controlled your motivation, the harder it feels to get out of bed, let alone lace up your sneakers.

When your motivation is autonomous, you don’t just pursue your goals more effectively—you experience fewer temptations along the way.

Deci and Ryan’s work shows that autonomous motivation makes goal pursuit feel natural, even effortless. And this is exactly what I’ve experienced with writing.

In contrast, my goal of losing weight has been fueled by introjected motivation. I tell myself I should lose weight, that my clothes will fit better, and—let’s be honest—that I’ll look better too. But this drive is rooted in vanity and external pressure. I catch glimpses of my belly and wonder, “Was it always this… prominent?” Part of me wishes I could embrace my 53-year-old pear-shaped self and declare, “This is who I am!” But I can’t quite get there. Instead, I’m stuck chasing a goal I feel I should want, but don’t want enough to resist that carrot cake and poutine along the way.

My research has shown this pattern time and again. When people are motivated by autonomous reasons, “want-to” reasons, they encounter fewer obstacles and temptations. But, when they’re driven by external reasons, “have-to” reasons, they struggle.

So, how do you transform a have-to goal into a want-to goal? This is the million-dollar question, and I don’t have easy answers. How do you make someone who dislikes exercise love it? Other than dystopian practices in classic conditioning, our tools are limited. But there are things you can do.

First, find the why. Ask yourself: Why did I set this goal in the first place? Dig deeper than surface-level answers. The more you can connect your goals to your personal values or sense of identity, the more meaningful they’ll feel. Take my Substack goal. Writing feels energizing to me because I’ve connected it to my values: I love exploring ideas, sharing my perspective, and (let’s be honest) stirring the pot now and then.

This “digging for your why” is so central to motivation that I’m working with UC Berkeley PhD student, Conrado Eiroa-Solans, on building a chatbot specifically to help people with this step. Does it work? A bit. And to be honest, we’re still figuring out how to get it to work even better.

Second, make it enjoyable. If a task feels miserable, you’ll find endless ways to avoid it. Find a café you love, experiment with playful ideas, or pair the work with a reward—a strategy behavioral economist Katy Milkman calls temptation bundling. A task feels less like a chore when it’s paired with something you look forward to.

Third, consider eliminating goals that don’t serve you. Some goals stick around because we feel like we should pursue them. But ask yourself honestly: Do I actually want this? Take my weight-loss goal. I’ve been carrying it like an obligation, rooted in vanity and vague dissatisfaction, without a meaningful why. I haven’t connected it to something I truly care about, like valuing my health or feeling stronger. Maybe the smart move is to drop it, at least for now, until I find a better reason. Chasing a goal without good purpose is like rowing in circles: exhausting, frustrating, and ultimately getting you nowhere.

Finally, align your environment with your intentions. While situation selection isn’t a catch-all solution—it can’t shield you from every temptation in the messy world we live in—it can be effective for specific, controllable situations. Motivation thrives when your environment supports your goals rather than works against them. If you’re trying to write, don’t pit your willpower against a buzzing phone or TikTok playing in the background. Clear your desk, block distractions, and set up a workspace that signals this is time to work. For me, Monday morning, a quiet room, and a hot cup of coffee all tell my brain: it’s writing time. These small tweaks don’t eliminate every challenge, but they make the path to your goal smoother and more manageable.

These strategies won’t turn a dreaded goal into a passion overnight, but they’ll tip the scales in the right direction. When your goals align with your values, when the process feels rewarding, and when your environment supports your intentions, you’ll spend less time fighting yourself, and more time getting stuff done.